After muddling and considering and speaking from SHE, she wondered if it would be worthwhile to speak from ME and about the real things in my life.
And so SHE decided YES she would but for who? For readers? For life? For love? For her own healing and keeping a balance between looking forward with joy but also being grounded in real and reality? To be what? More in depth? More in truth? She could ponder on the page – out loud, in writing….endlessly. So she had best be quiet and let ME say something……something REAL.
Weekly? Monthly? It was up to SHE and ME to sort out. But for a start….my turn ~ this is ME.
I left my marriage to a really GOOD man after 17 years and four beautiful children. The reality is it wasn’t GOOD although I have peace in knowing he is a good man, we had good times and we did our best. I have to pull all of the good out of the situation to be fully loving and present in life and in this world. I have to see the good in him for my children ~ they belong to him and they look to him. In ways they are him and if I put him down and/or focus on his flaws I am pointing to their flaws. And what are flaws but humanity? I have to remember the good times ~ that in the thick of sorting life out faded and seemed to not exist BUT they are there if I remember to look with love.
The challenge which is less now than it was in the grueling two years of processing and deciding what to do, is simply that in order to leave and justify leaving – the inclination is to find the problem and point fingers. We picked endlessly at each other to solve the mystery of what happened, what went wrong and we hurt each other to the core.
People talk about an “easy come, easy go” society. It’s never “easy come, easy go” ~ especially when you have children and are generally a passionate person. Divorce, break ups, life changes are hard but sometimes the HEART screams and pesters and never leaves you alone until you follow it. That was my experience. A screaming HEART that said “this is not where you belong”. While I muffled it and tried to drown it out…..I became exhausted and it won.
People also talk about “amicable separation”. Amicable and peaceful is still hard as hell. IT sucks and it is not always amicable – even if you are a saint. Bruised and broken, often unable to see around any corner…..tired from the battle and lacking energy and focus to carve out new life creates an agitation and rubbing that moves amicable into every shade of real people and raw emotion imaginable. The literature is that one lives with guilt (the leaver) and one leaves with a sense of abandonment (the one left). Freedom comes from healing those truths which requires seeing them for what they are. MY journey is healing the guilt without pointing a finger to justify and blame the very man that I once loved with my entire being ~ and will always love but not LIVE my life with.
After over two years of discussing, half a year of living under the same roof with the decision in place – I finally moved out two months ago. If I had stayed…..I would have gotten sick and WE would have destroyed each other. So now I heal, move forward, look back but not for too long, move forward everyday One Step AT A Time and truly let joy in. It is a short life and it is your life to LIVE.