I should explain myself regarding yesterdays post. It’s not an easy explain but as simply as I can.
Do Not Discover Me?
Do not step into my life flirt, sweet and attractive……and distract me from the peace I have walking alone….unless you mean it. You can walk in and its okay if it does not work out but ride with me through to a conclusion. If the conclusion is friendship, back to the acquaintances we were before, or strangers we were before I do not really care but just walk with me through our journey. Do not tempt me into a journey I was not looking for and then run in a different direction leaving me hanging. Yes I know I can be intense and yes I know I am scary with the way I talk in truth and explore my instincts about you. Yes I know I am not always right and I say the wrong thing or the wrong thing too quickly BUT I am not frail. I have never been frail. I always let go and I am a worthwhile adventure. I promise you will grow….if you want to. I KNOW that I will grow and that is why I put myself on the line. But do not be intrigued and then leave me hanging. If you do then I suppose we could never have been friends anyways. Friends walk through and discover who the other is AND even they adjust who they are if it is reasonable to do so. I am tired of disposable attitudes and I am tired of the surface of things.
Switching Gears But Along The Same Line – Social Media
I am feeling like social media (Facebook in particular) makes it too easy to walk in and walk out. I am a Facebook junky and for the first time since I started in 2008 ~ I deactivated my account. It made me feel connected for so long but now it makes me feel less and less connected. I am getting scratches to my itches but no substance. This big world is not my real world. These people are not in my world the way I like to think they are. My world is much smaller and I think it is time to focus on that. I am also not my pictures, not just a pretty face and not just who you see or want to see. I am not for your entertainment if you are bored. I am in it for YOU and ME…..and if you do not have my actual phone number, you have not met me for coffee or met me for an evening out then there is really not much reason in you knowing so much about me nor my knowing so much about you. That right there…that is a tough one for me because I like to express and write. I am going to think about it. For now…I am off and it feels pretty FINE.
To Be Honest
To be honest I have a lot to learn. I am too intense. A friend of mine once said I should tell every man I meet that I do not “half love”. It is true and I have met nobody quite like me in that regard. I am very particular and when I feel that spark I get carried away. It is my overactive imagination? It is my impatience? It is my fear and reluctance to jump into something that is not defined? I push to see how this person feels about me and I open up as a test? Can he handle me? Will he let me love the way I like to love? It is not really fair though. I jump in too soon and I put pressure on situations AND ultimately I hurt myself. I hurt myself because I do not let good things unfold naturally. So maybe I need to learn how to be discovered vs insist that you “do not discover me”. Always learning….but this is a big one for me AND a very unconscious thing for me. At this point I am not even sure if this is what I do but I think maybe I do.
Yesterday I said Do Not Discover ME. Did you read it? It is short. It is true and not true but maybe true for right now. I need peace and I need to figure some of this out. I need to get to a place where I am better at discerning and somehow more solid. I do not need a man to tell me I am pretty….I am ready instead to be alone or with a man who enriches my life much bigger than that.
~ Always With Love