Genuine Gratitude

Genuine gratitude is what I feel in this moment AND trust me when I say “its been a hard 6 months” and it’s been a particularily hard 2 weeks.

In two weeks the van that I was letting my exhusband use because of his own crisis broke down in the side of the road. It is an 800 dollar repair to add to the 1300 steering component repair thats been on hold. Two days after the breakdown somebody smashed my back glass to break into my empty/ broken down van. Two days after that my dog became suddenly sick and we had to put her down.

The past 6 months I have been working two physically demanding jobs. A finish carpenter by day and a commercial cleaner by night. I have been working up to 60 hours per week – packing lunch and supper, starting at 8am and rolling home at 8pm. In between and on weekends I have been running to my kids and trying to keep that connection plus in the new stage of a relationship with an amazing man.  Always good and bad mixed together.

The goal of this all was to get ahead on kids stuff, dentist, enrichment and to stay on top of bills. Instead what happened is a snowball of trouble starting primarily with the ex. I forgive him.. I am not mad but his world collapsed and I had to feed his troubles and cover his bills to hold him up for our boys. They need him and I knew he would carry himself soon enough but I had to carry him through that now.  That is love and while I am not in love with him I will always love him.

On top of all this…. my job as the finish carpenters helper was draining. The boss was the type of person I can no longer tolerate in my life. Petty, arrogant, abusive, ignorant, selfish and self centered he put us in our place everyday. He played a game of making us feel lucky to have a job. He treated us as though we were stupid and I had to fight to remember who I was. 

In dealing with the job I pulled up my big girl panties and presented myself to another company with a bigger capacity and offering. I came to them strong, strange, unusual and they saw me. Not me trying to be what they wanted to see but me in all of my strange brilliance. Long story short… they hired me and I start this week. 

Never lay down and play dead you see… just don’t do it… do not settle… you will find a place to belong as long as you never settle.

With all this ending and new beginning followed by a big, hard, costly and sad 2 weeks, plus an exhausting 6 months I went into this weekend not knowing whether to leap for joy or fall into a ball on the ground and cry. I did both.

I pushed my man away, I pushed my friends away and I took time for me. I wanted to be in gratitude but it was not coming and so I tried to listen to me. One step… what do you feel like doing now? … two step … ok that is pissing you off?… do something else…. oh you are tired?.. then rest. But I still did not feel gratitude and then this morning it came AND the words went down to describe it as follows:

Genuine gratitude is what I feel in this moment. It is something that needs to be cultivated and their is no formula to create thetrue  feeling. It’s space…. taking the space and allowing it to find you. I find it is the only way. In the space my mind sorts through the details and organizes them in a way that satisfies and only then can I truly let go. Nicole Green

Life goes on and on my friends. Sometimes it does not go on. And so it is a gift full of trial and tribulations so big that it can be hard to get out of bed. But please get out of bed and try for a brighter day.

~ Always With Love

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