The stages of grief and loss are sadness, anger, regret/guilt, denial and forgiveness AND if you can be patient and let yourself sink into those not so pretty stages the rewards of the forgiveness will be sweeter than anything you could ever imagine. The Key is Patience and Sinking in. You must keep your eye on the prize of forgiveness, but you must allow yourself to stay long enough in the pain. Pain is the teacher.
Culturally you will be pressured and rushed but listen to yourself and YOUR SELF only. Take the time, dance through the stages including denial but pay attention when and where you can. Your attention to the wounds will reward you MORE than zooming through the steps and getting on with your life.
The truth is that healing happens on your own time and not on anybody’s time clock. The layers of your wounds are unique to you. The level of depth in which you want to experience life is also up to you. If you long for a rich life, if you desire to dissolve patters, if you desire to understand your role in the end of your marriage, if you want to change and be different and experience Love differently – TAKE YOUR TIME.
Forgiveness is sweet and letting go is so sweet. For me it looks like this:
The man I met, loved and had four children with and the man I shared more than a decade of life with is a very good man. He is kind, hard working and was devoted to our family in every way he could muster. He was not perfect, and he made choices along the way that were NOT helpful (OFTEN HARMFUL) but it was all he could be at that stage of his life. It was not easy with four boys and our personalities clashed. We created wedges where a different combination of personalities might have created bridges.
I was equally committed and devoted but I did not know how to ask for what I needed. I did not believe in myself enough to take care of myself. I was a martyr and gave without boundaries BUT was angry for how that depleted me. I was frantic, exhausted but did not know how to take responsibility for my own choice and role. My sensitivity did not match well with his hardness. My reactions to his not reading my mind pushed him away.
All in all, in a million different ways we just could not BE who and how the other person needed us to be AND it is okay. The details that seemed so important at the time are irrelevant because we are both okay, in fact we both are BETTER. Each of us have grown and changed in ways that we could not had we stayed on the train we were on. He has become more unapologetically him and I have become more unapologetically me – each grown and more capable to be in a healthy relationship that we were ever capable of while we were set in our patterns together.
Forgiveness is sweet ~ we can now laugh at how the other is and even when we are pushing each other’s buttons we can stand firm in who we are individually and remember that these are the reasons we simply only belonged together for that time. We came together for a reason creating four amazing beautiful young men. We stayed together long enough to show them that giving up Is not the first thing to do but that sometimes it is the Right thing to do and it is not “giving up” if you gave it your heart and soul first. Forgiveness does not mean that it is perfect but it is better and rarely bitter.
So my friends be patient, be love, and move through the ups and downs with a peace in your heart when the pain is not gripping you. Be angry, be sad, be guilty, frivolously move on and dance in between but keep your eye set on the prize which is Forgiveness of yourself and forgiveness of “other”. You do this for everyone ~ you do this for yourself, your children and you do this for the very other beautiful human being that was your love. It will be worth it – Life will go on.
How ironic that I would find this beautiful piece just moments after I wrote this ~ r.m. drake is truly one of my favorites and worth following/finding if you are going through real life grief and loss.
~ Always With Love