Alone she could get into step and walk to a rather awesome beat of her own drum, yet she longed to learn how to drum and dance with another without having to leave herself.
She used to think she should be easy going, simple, sweet and the easiest girlfriend ever.
Was it the people pleaser in her? Was it a cultural thing? Was it the way she was raised to be independent…. always so damned independent?
She wanted to be the “cool” girl, the girl unlike the other girls. It was all about them – other people, usually men. It was all about nurturing them, loving them, respecting there space, holding them, accepting them and seeing them for who they really were.
She was good at seeing underneath actions. She was excellent accepting other’s humanity. She was a disaster at setting boundaries, remembering who she was and asking for and getting what she needed – cuz god forbid she be “needy”.
Right after her marriage ended she could hardly remember who she was. As a newly single woman dating in those years right after 15 years of monogamy, she was fun, adventurous and sexy but usually she got lost and pulled under too fast. She made mediocre choices and when she made good choices SHE lost herself.
She found it difficult to find a beautiful balance. One where she could have a soft place to fall without draining and losing herself completely.
Alone she could get into step and walk to a rather awesome beat of her own drum yet she longed to learn how to drum and dance with another without having to leave herself.
She had come to understand that the reason things did not work out was not “other people” and it was not something “wrong” with her BUT rather the universe shutting it down saying, “you have other work to do, I need you to remember who you are, you are not ready yet, try again later.”
The problem was simple ~ She had loved too much to be “in love”. It was hard to face the truth but she had always been in Love with somebody. Rarely had it been healthy love but that was a subtle thing, she was never abused, thank god but she had always kind of abused herself by leaving herself. She was honestly still trying to figure it out.
She sat on her couch in her beautiful little house and her plans for the day were simple – eat, rest, bike or hike and a little bit of chores.
She had some lovely men in her life but she was not in a hurry. She was changing and she wanted those changes to come to fruition. She did not want to pull the plant while the fruit was still weak and small. It was TIME in her life to be that fruit, remembering always who she was, asking always for what she needed, dancing to the beat of her own drum with other dancers, that danced to the beat of there own drum. She needed a man that would point her back to herself and hold her in between.
She knew Her habits were strong, she would swing wildly both ways but she promised herself she would land on her couch and WRITE herself back to herself, everysingletime foreverandever Amen
My Morning Coffee