She found this is draft from October 2016 ~ he still is NOT dating but she no longer felt guilty about her need to move on.
She knew that she deserved love and intimacy. She knew his reasons for a different focus and she respected those reasons. She knew it had nothing to do with her.
The man in this piece, they are still friends but a visit over coffee was long overdue. Perhaps she would give him a call.
We are sitting together as friends. We had a brief run as lovers. This new place gives a different sort of freedom in expressing where we are “really at”…..we have both lost love in different ways, and we are both on the path of letting go.
I had thought and so it seemed that he was clutching tightly to past love, loss and pain. I was the one that cut our relationship direction short because he was clearly not open but now I wonder because of what I found myself saying as we were sitting together as friends.
It came out in context to WHAT….I am not quite sure, but I said “if I were to find a great love…a true love and connection….I would feel guilty”.
He almost spit out the words “then YOU are not ready….you have not let go…it is you that overthinks all of these things”.
I felt the tears sting my eyes – it was not the time nor place to let them go with his daughter sitting across the room.
He said “if you found love you would not enjoy it and you would feel worse because you would feel guilty.” And its true…I know it well and it makes me crazy because intellectually I know it’s okay. It is okay for me to find love again.
I tell him what I tell everybody, “he is not dating, he will never date and my life would be so much easier if he did”. And he told me what I know “you have to let him choose what is best for him and YOU choose what is best for you.” I know it is true but it is hard.
I am grateful for sitting together as friends………..I learn so much through all of these false starts AND I truly hope that soon I can let go and let new love in. It gets lonely at the Top.
I almost edited that last line. Not sure what top she was referring to. Perhaps the mother, organizer, provider wanting a partner.
She still felt lonely at the top but only sometimes and never so much that she would rush in to situations.
She had slowed down and was discerning now.
She had found a balance between wanting love but loving herself enough to know what was a good fit in her rich, lovely and important life.
Let Go, Be Love