Edge Of Everything

I feel that edge of everything in life. Hard to explain. Perhaps I feel that time is precious in a more profound way than usual.

It was an amazing couple of days with my boys. A day trip to one of my favourite woodsy places followed by a barbecue and relax night. The following day a swim in the lake while a car show buzzed by.

Just having all four warms my heart. I never knew how much I had missed my oldest while he went through this stage of wanting his room and his time at his dad’s house. Having him back regular is a gift especially with him choosing it.

I feel that edge of everything in life. Hard to explain. Perhaps I feel that time is precious in a more profound way than usual.

Big brother getting ready to launch brings everything to light. I know my time is running out and I feel it with all of them.

People always say “enjoy them now, it goes so fast” but it doesn’t go fast when they are so little and the nights are sleepless. Then all of a sudden it speeds up. I don’t think there is ever a middle speed or is it now? Perhaps it is now as I put the breaks on and realize I made it to the end AND can walk a better pace. Perhaps some people learn this sooner.

When the twins were born I was already struggling with just the two boys. I cried when I found out that I would be adding two boys to make four but it was honestly tears of utter terror not joy as much as that sounds better. How would I be able to do this emotionally, physically, and financially? We were already running on empty.

I cried at ultrasounds, I cried occasionally with friends, and I cried the day they let me leave the hospital to go home to heal from a C Section, chase two preschooler, care for twin babies and breastfeed. I knew I was going to have to run fast for a long time and somehow I did it but that day leaving the hospital I could not imagine how it would be possible.

Having a child is hard, a child or two is also “trying” but three and up is a whole different game. Throw in twins and it can feel like madness at times but that madness will make you humble. Fortunately all hard things in life come with a very rich reward.

All of it is worth it and if you are in the thick of it I want you to know this. That little tot hug that is so sweet but sometimes feels clingy and exhausting because two more are hanging off your leg will turn into young men that hug you and say thank you. They will line up and the hug will feel different, more like an offering of care and support. When you feel that, it will be like life coming full circle and showering you with rainbows.

Keep up the good work mommas and papas.💛

Let Go, Be Love

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