Death, Sadness, The Blues

Death, sadness, the blues, getting real, grieving many losses, dropping co dependancy tendencies and this year a focus on me.

You see I carry ancestral wounds. The subtle things are in me. The things passed down. The not very obvious things. And I have been like a racehorse looking forward, charging around determined and never softening long enough to rest and heal.

A good friend told me that I should not put my kids ahead of dating and creating a life for myself. I know she meant well and I am glad she said it because it evoked clarity. I stated right back to her “It’s time for me first… kids next…. social life last because I am tired of fleeting things.”

You see underneath my messages of flourishing and embracing life is this woman struggling and fighting, looking for positives, digging deeper but never quite figuring it out.

This year is going to be different. This year I am going to listen intently to my patterns. This year I am going to walk and face the loneliness. This year I don’t “lighten up” just because people want me to but I do get myself moving out of the past. Moving out of the past for me not others.

I am not glossing life over with pretty notes and quotes… I will write them and read them but I will understand they are bandaids. Affirmations are good but it is more important to do the work underneath… I believe this is the part we miss in this culture of positive thinking.

You see I understand many things about myself that I never really knew before. I understand things that would have saved my marriage and family life but it is only a start AND now I know that I must save myself. I need clarity and alone time but for long enough that it sticks. Other people have always been able to pull me away from myself. This year I learn boundaries and integrity.

My dreams are taking me back in ways profound. The people around me mirroring and triggering so that I can see myself more clearly and you know what I hope? I hope that I can truly heal. Just get right into the bleeding parts and hold right there a little bit longer.

You see I carry ancestral wounds. The subtle things are in me. The things passed down. The not very obvious things. And I have been like a racehorse looking forward, charging around determined and never softening long enough to rest and heal.

Many people charge around like this and call it strength. Some would say I am too soft, too reflective, too much in the past but many will never do the work to unleash the powerful results of past wounds. It doesn’t matter about them. They have their life and their own way And I must take mine.

On New Years day I was walking alone amongst families and couples. I had dropped my twins to their dads earlier. I had hosted 8 boys sleepover in my 400 sq ft house NYE. As I took in the stark contrast and quiet I thought of people I could call but I decided no. This walk alone, this day/ these days when the kids are with dad… I will take them to heal. My Time, My Year💙, No Joke

Let Go, Be Love

Ps This post has kind of morphed. I was going to write about death specifically and how it saved me once but I will save that for later.

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